In the box

This is a tool I've found helpful in making us aware of how differently different cultures operate. 

Look at the different subjects in these lists (and think of others) and decide whether (instinctively, as a gut reaction) you would be happy to talk about them publicly or whether you would rather not talk about them. Which things are you happy to talk about with most people (work colleagues, acquaintances, even strangers in the street)? Those things are outside the box, in public space. Which subjects would you only talk about with your very closest friends, if at all? Those are in the box, private. 

The surprising thing is that, although most of us would think it's pretty 'obvious' which things are inside and outside the box, another culture would put them precisely the other way around. Although there are lots of variations by personality and sub-culture, broadly speaking, my own culture would put most of the first list in the box and be happy to talk pretty freely about the second list while, when I was in Kenya, I found all the subjects on the left were fair game for a conversation over a meal or even on first meeting while asking questions about subjects on the right could cause a very uncomfortable moment - the awkwardness of someone trying to look in the box. 

Again, it's important to nuance this that there are always going to be lots of ethnic, generational and temperamental variations. Most cultures and individuals will have a mixture of things from both lists which they'll want to put in the box. But the point is there are differences. What we deem public and private topics of conversation is often a) 'obvious' to us and b) different to others. Which can lead to some very embarrassing or even offensive interactions.  

On a practical level, it's just useful to be aware that we all have a culture and to be prepared for the fact that not everyone is going to be doing conversation the same way. Hanging back a little bit to observe what people are happy to talk about and allowing others to take the lead in the sort of things they're happy to disclose may often be a wise.

But how do we think about this sort of thing theologically?

I'm sure others have done more thinking on this but here are a few initial thoughts:

1. There are some things that should be in or out of the box. While we need to be very careful not to rush to decide that a particular cultural tendency is right/wrong, neither do we want to run to a cultural relativism that assumes everything is theologically neutral. "For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret" (Eph. 5:12). "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving" (Eph. 5:4). "I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips" (Psalm 16:4). Some words should not be outside the box, in our public speech. On the other hand, "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels" (Luke 9:26). There are some words that should not be 'inside the box' (or 'hidden under a bowl' to use Jesus' language). The Bible often says things we would have thought should be 'in the box' and in shockingly blunt or graphic language that makes us blush or squirm. In fact the Bible critiques and affirms every culture at different points on this. That's why it's great to encounter different cultures with different strengths and weaknesses to your own. E.g. I'm challenged by the willingness of many other cultures to be far more unashamed to talk about God than I find myself.
2. There is stuff going on underneath our conversational tendencies, but it can be read two ways. Whether we think of culture as on onion with layers or as a tree with fruit, we know that beneath the surface manifestation of culture there are values and beliefs and stories and worldviews and idols and self-justification. The issue of what is inside and outside the box will often be strongly connected with bigger social structures of shame/honour and display/concealment. Dig down far enough and beneath a reluctance to share about a particular issue may be deep fears of the spiritual world and death. But the tricky thing is that, most of the time, whether a culture puts something inside or outside the box can be explained in at least two ways - positively and negatively. For example, what is going on when someone is reluctant to talk about how much he/she earns? A positive reading is that this could be motivated by humility and a desire not to cause others to stumble or to put the employer in a difficult situation. A negative reading is that it is motivated by a fear of being thought overpaid (or rightly paid!) or a fear of being asked for financial help (rooted ultimately in worship of money). What is going on when someone is reluctant to talk about their wife being pregnant? Is it coming from a place of right modesty and sensitivity to those who could find it hard to hear about a pregnancy? Or is it coming from a place of superstition and fear. Or is there a mixture of both? I guess the best policy will be to first incline towards a positive reading of another culture and go harder on a negative reading of my own culture - first take out the idolatrous logs in my own eye. 
3. Jesus, as always, must be the answer. I'm working on Mark 7 at the moment where we meet Jesus exposing those who outwardly ('with their lips') honour the Lord while inside the box their heart is far from the Lord and gushing all kinds of wickedness. So the solution to the inside/outside the box cultural question is not to simply edit our outward speech so it is socially and religiously acceptable. It is the inner cauldron of evil thoughts that defiles us. We need Jesus' diagnosis (in very blunt language - "you hypocrites", "are you so dull?", "out into the toilet", "wickedness") and even more we need him to take all our defilement on himself and hang on the Cross under a waterfall of wrath and then rise as the beginning of a new creation. We need him to stoop to wash us clean in the inmost place and give us a new heart plumbed into his (Psalm 51; Ezekiel 36; John 13). We will still have the old sinful nature bubbling away but at least when we see ourselves as naturally-dirty-but-completely-cleansed-in-God's-sight-and-made-his-beloved-children we will begin to be freed from the old fears and old pride that drove some of our choices to speak when we should have kept silent or to be silent when we should have spoken.